Things Unsaid

Anyone worth a damn’s had their heart broken.

Every lie’s an adventure.

Nice and easy doesn’t.

Surgeon General’s Warning:
Cigarettes are cool. People may be jealous of you.

Good quotations deserve quotation marks.

My little cousin nearly gave me lice.
It’s great that no matter how beautiful she grows up to be,
I’ll always be able to hang this over her (formerly lice-ridden) head.

I wish there could always be one more performance.

You know that cute bunny picture you had as your wallpaper?
That bunny’s probably dead by now: eaten or discarded.

Tourist, if it is your will to travel, then remember the use of your legs,
For they are your most ancient means of conveyance.

Men are not more gassy, we’re just unashamed of our gases.
Unless we’ve had dairy… but please don’t take away our dairy.

I’m at a place called sleepy/hollow.

There ain’t any roses to smell on the subway.

There are a hundred reasons why I watch that show:
The hundredth is my personal taste.

Fat, Skinny Go To Bed, Tragedy Follows

Obedient but neither inventive nor deviant.

Why am I punished for saying terrible things, yet never
rewarded for keeping the unspeakable things to myself?

My mother always used to tell me:
“You kill that man! You kill him dead and take his wallet!”
In retrospect, it wasn’t such good advice.

Eat my ass… No wait – eat your ass,
you’re more likely to hurt your neck that way.

Dogs are dupah, but cats: sonsabitches.

If first base is wrong I don’t wanna be right.

Video games build character and life skills… and ass cheeks.

Tomato tomato, potato potato:
don’t use this in essays, it doesn’t read well.

I wish you were a baseball so I could hit you with a bat
and fondle you with a leather glove.

In this overwrought world, even the idea of “hackneyed”
has become hackneyed.

If I’ve left and you’re right, who’s middle?

12/01/07 to Present